Who Are You Anyway?

 

 

 

If you are dating and looking for a mate, that task is more difficult if you don’t know who you are.

If you don’t have a solid self-identity, how can you find someone who is compatible with you?

Identity comes from your own history, memory and how you know and remember events in your own life.

When you have an identity, you keep it intact by knowing right from wrong, especially as it reinforces your own personal boundaries.  This means you stay away from people, events and places where things are happening that don’t agree with who you are.

Another way to bolster and display your identity is by voicing values.  If you sit idly by while you witness bad things happening either in person or on TV, you are a party to that violation of your own identity.  Life is not a passive event.  It needs your active participation if you are to advance yourself and bolster your identity.

You can also strengthen your identity through individual contemplation, ritual worship and prayer.  These  religious or spiritual actions should reflect your own history and help you remember important events from your own lifetime.

When you have your own history, memory and identity established, you will be more confident in whom you are and be in a better position to find someone who compliments who you know you are. Only then will you know who you really are.

There is more on this topic in the book, You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful, available on Amazon. 

 

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Are You Suffering From Dating Fatigue?

Face it: Some people are under a lot of pressure to find a mate. That pressure can come from family, friends and co-workers. These people may all mean well, but collectively it puts a person under a lot of false pressure to rush to judgement.

Stop the process. When I was looking for a girlfriend, I spent too much time on dating sites and wasted thousands of dollars driving up and down Routes 75 and 95 in South Florida going on short dates and ending up in the most expensive, mediocre restaurants in that local zip code.

In the process, I wasted huge amounts of emotional energy pushing for something which was not happening. Now, it is true you never know when lightning strikes.

And you also have to be open to possibilities; try something new. Doing something new now only bombards and ignites the senses, but opens your eyes to new possibilities. This is when something new–a fresh insight, sparking a good memory from your past, meeting a new person–may happen to you,

But a person needs time to reflect. This is one way to beat dating fatigue.

Try it. You should be better off.

 

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Divorced, Widowed or Never Married? Who’s the Best Choice?

Everyone has some history and when you go out with someone, they bring that history along with them.

That’s inevitable, but as a dater you have a few choices.

A main part of this is how they got to be in front of you on that first date in the first place.

Were they widowed, divorced or never married?  (For some intrepid daters, that person may still even be married, but that is a topic for  another post.)

And based on their past history, how should that affect your attitude towards them? Even more important, how would they act in any new relationship based on their past experience?

These are all big, important questions, but here are a few things to consider:

  • Divorced people have almost all gone through an emotional rollercoaster. But in many of those situations, there was often a victim and a perpetrator. The question for any new dater is which half of that partnership, and to what degree, is standing in front of you now?
  • For people who were never married, the main question is why?  Bad luck, too picky, attention deficit order, a perpetual playboy or playgirl, or someone who is just holding out for that “perfect partner”?
  • Widows and widowers, depending on how many years they were married and how many times they were married, can often show partner dedication, loyalty and an ability to adapt to the situational roller-coaster that is inherent in any relationship.

From my experience, I have met them all, including women who have been divorced three times.  Others made out very well financially and were divorced a few times. Did this make them more emotionally unstable? Not necessarily, but they had seen a lot, in many cases more than I did emotionally.

So who is the best choice?  It is all based on individual preferences, luck and availability. If there is anything true in dating is that there are few absolute rules. There is someone for everyone, but everyone also has suffered an emotional roller-coaster in any relationship. It is an adventure. But it all makes for interesting , often expensive, experiences.

For more stories on the trials and tribulations of online dating,

see the book “You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful.

 

 

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Who Are You Anyway?

“A young child once asked a rabbi why man was created with two eyes instead of one, like the nose or the mouth.

“With the left eye, you should look at yourself, to see how you can improve yourself. And with the right eye, you should look at others lovingly, always seeking out their best qualities.”

From “Toward a Meaningful Life”

Reb. Menachem Mendel Schneerson

 

Self-assessment combined with having an optimistic view of others, especially potential mates, is a real challenge.

We don’t have the patience, self-restraint or will power to bracket our own feelings, especially in a consumer society. Today, we are consumed with bad feelings about the nation’s politics, money and family matters. If you are dating, there are even more things to consider.

And with our two eyes, we have to train ourselves to see the two sides of ourselves, plus the two sides of every person and every relationship.

None of this is easy.

It is a process to retrain our brains and self-restraint as we get older to not write-off people who we disagree with on the slightest matters.

As the sages said, when you grasp for everything, you end up with nothing. Be incremental in what you want to achieve. Make a friend who can turn into a partner. As we age, be realistic in your expectations. If you are an older man, look for the beauty under the makeup. If you are an older woman, the man you may meet will not be an Olympic athlete.

This does not mean you should settle for something you do not want, but you should be realistic.

Realize that as an older person you are closer to your destination than you think.

Realize that you should keep moving to your destination, and as more time passes, our ultimate destination is also moving towards us.

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