The City You Live in Affects Your Dating Life



When dating, just like in real estate, location is very important.

This new study shows the best and worst  cities for dating.

The good news is that these good cities for dating are all over the U.S. The good cities are big and small. But location alone is no guarantee you’ll find a companion.

Here is a hint: the best city for dating is Austin, Texas.  The worst city is Palm Bay, Florida.

See the study for more details, including the worst U.S cities for dating.  Also, see some funny dating anecdotes in the book, “You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful.”

Best 10 U.S. Cities for Dating

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What Makes You Feel Pretty?



There is an upscale consignment shop in Boca Raton, Florida that has a wide selection of slightly used and new designer items.  Chanel and Vitton purses, Armani and Dior dresses,  Gucci sunglasses and Versace blouses are neatly arranged in the well light, organized store. I went there with my girlfriend and during a quiet time in the store, I asked the owner how she gets so many high priced items in such great condition.  

She told me she has some regular customers who drop off expensive items. Many have never even been worn. The Jimmy Choo and Valentino shoes are still in the boxes, and Chanel purses still have the original sales tags attached.

She told me that when she asks her customers why they don’t just return the items, she gets odd answers.  Some say they are “too busy.”  Others said they were going to get around to it, but have other things to do.

The consignment shop owner said she spoke to many of her customers about this. Then, she offered another, more feasible answer. 

Many of these women are too ashamed to return the items back to the major stores in the upscale Boca Raton Mall. The reason is that they have an informal relationship with the salespeople who sold hem the items. In many cases, they are on a first name basis. If they returned the item they would have to make up an excuse.  They would have to say they made a bad choice or it was too expensive.  Any excuse, however, would make the salespeople think less of them and they did not want to risk their reputation and perception with the salespeople at the upscale stores. 

They did not return the items because they had a self-perception to maintain. Instead, they just took the items to the consignment store where they could get 50% of their money back in a few weeks or months.  But preserving their self-esteem was worth more than the money. 

We live in the most advanced consumer society in history.  Billions are spent annually on ads that tell people they will feel better if they just purchased a certain item or brand. If they don’t own that item, many people feel deficient. Their self-esteem will suffer.

These are the people who left their expensive purses, shoes and dresses in the consignment shop. They did it to maintain their image.  The only one who benefitted from this malady is the owner of the upscale consignment shop in Boca Raton.

Do You Feel Pretty?

In the film, “I Feel Pretty,” starring Amy Schumer, an insecure, average-looking woman gets hit in the head and when she regains consciousness, she has developed a new self-image: that of a beautiful woman.  Overnight, her life is transformed.  But her new self-esteem lasts only as long as her concussion.  When she recovers, she is back to who she always was.

This is a clever idea. It focuses attention on how self-esteem is based on how others see us and how we see ourselves, even if the concept is false. The film ends as Schumer tell her executives during an executive presentation that women should be accepted as they are, regardless of their level of beauty.

If more women did this, maybe there would be fewer luxury goods in the Boca Raton consignment shop.

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Are Women More Honest Than Men? New Study Says “Yes”




This is one of the oldest discussions in the war between the sexes and a new study may help settle this question.

In a study of men and women worldwide, a study by AppZen found that men are the biggest offenders of expense report fraud by a wide margin, according to proprietary data from their Expense Report Audit platform.

Of all expense fraud detected by AppZen, only 12.3% were submitted by women, while 87.7% were submitted by men, according to Josephine McCann, senior marketing associate atAppZen.

This number is even higher if you consider that men outnumber women in the workplace worldwide.The Pew Research Center analyzed the labor force data of over 114 nations between 2010 and 2016. Across all these countries, the share of women in the workforce is 45.4%. Since there are fewer women in the workplace, women have less opportunity in general to commit expense report fraud.

Women Take Less Risk

“So, to norm for the disparity in the sheer quantity of women in the workplace, we went ahead and did the math: Even if the workplace were split 50/50 in terms of gender, still only 13.54% of expense misconduct would be committed by women. Accordingly, the “fewer women in the workplace” hypothesis can be discarded,” McCann said.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, only 28% of C-level positions are held by women. “So, again, norming for the math, in a perfect world in which the entire office and the C-suite within it were split 50-50 across genders, women would still only commit 28% of the expense report misconduct. Accordingly, the ‘lack of female power hypothesis’ can also be removed,” she continued.

Another factor from AppZen found that women may commit less fraud because they take less risk. Too much testosterone, combined with a different attitude, helps men take more risk, so they test the limits of being caught.

So how can this affect your dating plans?

It may be just another interesting fact, or it could show that what you may find distrustful in your boyfriend may be a characteristic of many men.

For more stories on the trials and tribulations of beauty and online dating,

see the book “You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful.



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Remembering Queen Esther, Without the Makeup

In our last post (Why We Show Our Beautiful Face), we noted how beauty is a key factor that holds the self-confidence and persona of people together.

Beauty is how we view ourselves. It helps us navigate through the world and determines how we view others and how others view us.

While it is uncertain which is more important, the interplay between our beautiful selves and how others see us is part of a changing constellation of how we build or demolish our self-esteem.

But there is another part of the story of what make-up can, and cannot, produce. The problem is that cosmetics often only affects your external beauty. It makes you feel better and more in control, but it also should improve your inner beauty. The key is to make your beauty more than skin deep.

This is not a new concept. Consider the story of the biblical figure, Queen Esther, a heroine in Jewish history, who used her inner beauty, devoid of makeup, to convince King Ahasuerus (Xerxes I, 485—465 BCE) of Persia to save the Jews from a massacre.

In the story, Esther’s “true honor of the princess is within” (Psalms 45:15) meaning she had an inner beauty many others missed, but this quality attracted the attention of the King, whose favorite harem wife, Vashti, was a palace favorite since she would dance naked in front of dinner guests.

As told in an article by Sara Esther Crispe, “Esther was actually of a greenish complexion, but that she had a ’thread of grace’ that was upon her. We are taught that when the internal is elevated and beautiful, it will show through to the external, so that she can be seen as nothing other than beautiful.”

Esther’s inner charm and cunning saved her people, while Vashti succumbed to old age and was ultimately banished from the palace. Vashti’s makeup and firm body did not save her, and she lost out to a woman of inner beauty.

Almost 2,500 years later, cosmetics has become a $382 billion a year business worldwide. But what are women buying?

Products that make women look better on the outside, when true beauty is really found on the inside.

In my book, You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful, I met many women who looked very different face-to-face than their online photos.  One woman boasted to me that her online photo was enhanced with the help of a world renowned makeup artist and in person this was very evident.  I don’t know why she told me this since it was too evident, but she did, and it only exaggerated the gap between exterior and interior beauty.

I never saw her after that, but she bet that the impact of makeup and its temporary deception that fades from day to night and sun to shade did not compensate for that inner quality that always shines through.

Sadly, there are too many stories like that, but this is not a slam on cosmetics, only on their managed role in building a relationship and knowing that it has limitations that can easily be overcome by other more permanent, human qualities.

For more stories on the trials and tribulations of online dating, read the book, You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful, on Amazon.


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Why We Show Our Beautiful Face to the World



Beauty is a key factor that holds the self-confidence and persona of many people together. Beauty is how we view ourselves, and it determines how other people view us.  It helps the way we navigate through the world and determines how we view others and how others view us.  This is what helped create the selfie-generation. No other generation worldwide in human history has never been this vain and self-important. 

While it is uncertain what’s more important, the interplay between our beautiful selves and how others see us is part of a changing constellation of how we build or demolish our self-esteem.

Beauty is a not a constant.  Blanche DuBois, the fading Southern belle in the 1951 film, A Streetcar Named Desire, sees her altering beauty as part of her fading aristocratic background. As this classic American film opens, it’s evident that Blanche (played by Kim Hunter) is psychologically fragile and personally awkward with her brother-in-law, Stanley Kowalski (played by Marlon Brando.)

But throughout the film’s development, Blanche is constantly aware of her looks and as the tension builds between her and Kowalski, Blanche breaks under the stain and she looks older and more fragile.  

While the movie and play have become American classics (the film and its major stars won numerous Academy and Golden Globe Awards), the changing role of beauty is one element that drives the tension 

and the character development forward.

While not as dramatic, women continue to value the products that can enhance their beauty. One site found that the average woman spends $15,000 during her lifetime on cosmetics, of which $3,770 is spent to purchase mascara. (Remember: the eyes are the windows to the soul.) This includes money spent on perfume, foundation, lipstick, skin care, mascara. The research also found that half of all women who buy makeup say it makes them feel more in control of situations. Why? Maybe it enhances their self-esteem.   

But the same benefit that makeup provides applies to all women worldwide. About 85% of all cosmetics worldwide are bought by women who spend $382 billion on products to make them look better on the outside.

So if cosmetics affect your external beauty, and it makes you feel better and more in control, it should also improve your inner beauty. The key is to make your beauty more than skin deep.

For more stories on the trials and tribulations of beauty and online dating,

see the book “You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful.


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Who Are You Anyway?




If you are dating and looking for a mate, that task is more difficult if you don’t know who you are.

If you don’t have a solid self-identity, how can you find someone who is compatible with you?

Identity comes from your own history, memory and how you know and remember events in your own life.

When you have an identity, you keep it intact by knowing right from wrong, especially as it reinforces your own personal boundaries.  This means you stay away from people, events and places where things are happening that don’t agree with who you are.

Another way to bolster and display your identity is by voicing values.  If you sit idly by while you witness bad things happening either in person or on TV, you are a party to that violation of your own identity.  Life is not a passive event.  It needs your active participation if you are to advance yourself and bolster your identity.

You can also strengthen your identity through individual contemplation, ritual worship and prayer.  These  religious or spiritual actions should reflect your own history and help you remember important events from your own lifetime.

When you have your own history, memory and identity established, you will be more confident in whom you are and be in a better position to find someone who compliments who you know you are. Only then will you know who you really are.

There is more on this topic in the book, You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful, available on Amazon. 


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Beware of Your Own Great Expectations

Everyone knows that dating is an exercise in optimism.

We do it because we are looking for something that will make us better, happier, more fulfilled, even richer. Those are some large goals to meet under any circumstances, let alone ones that are often derailed by happenstance, bad personal chemistry, or runaway emotions and expectations.

Meeting the person of your “dreams” is a problem because no one else knows your dreams.  And even if they did, they still are part of your fantasy to find a better, different and more improved life, but that dream is often not shared by the person you are meeting.  Nor, should you talk about your dreams on a first date since no one can ever meet those great expectations.

Many psychologists say we are hard-wired to be optimists. Studies have found that independent people who envision how they will react in certain situations are better prepared mentally and more optimistic than people who just rely on their reactions to the situation facing them. This means you should think about how you will react if you meet someone who does not meet your expectations. Can you turn that meeting into something positive? Is there something you can learn from that person? Do they have friends who have similar interests?

Many people make the mistake of turning dating into a binary event. They can “X” off a meeting like it did never happened. That is a mistake that reinforces the notion of disposable relationships.

Our brains can play tricks on us. We often fall backwards and think a new date will end up like old ones months or years ago.

Resist this. Instead, remember that people have to power to change the way they think. Maybe that is the key to achieving your own great expectations.




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The Opportunities We Have When We Wake Up

It happens every day to every living organism, but for people, waking up is  a magical process.

At the physical level, we sleep because our bodies need to rest, replenish our energy and cell structures and allow our brain activities to lower their levels and repair our neural networks.

But what else happens when we awake every day?

At the spiritual level,  waking up gives us a new chance to complete the work we did before, but more importantly, we also have the chance to re-invent ourselves.

If we made a mistake the day before, we can correct it.  If we did a bad deed or succumbed to our own negativity (a permanent feature in all of us), we get another chance to fix that or better yet, vow not to make that same mistake again.

Waking up gives us a world of opportunities.  We can see the world in a new way.

If you are in a relationship that is not moving in the direction or speed you want, you have the new chance to change.  That is the great opportunity to push past the negativity.  And since you cannot change another person, you can concentrate on making the change that puts you in the right direction.  You can focus your energy since you can only change yourself.

Most importantly, you have that chance to make a profound change every time you wake up.



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Are You Suffering From Dating Fatigue?

Face it: Some people are under a lot of pressure to find a mate. That pressure can come from family, friends and co-workers. These people may all mean well, but collectively it puts a person under a lot of false pressure to rush to judgement.

Stop the process. When I was looking for a girlfriend, I spent too much time on dating sites and wasted thousands of dollars driving up and down Routes 75 and 95 in South Florida going on short dates and ending up in the most expensive, mediocre restaurants in that local zip code.

In the process, I wasted huge amounts of emotional energy pushing for something which was not happening. Now, it is true you never know when lightning strikes.

And you also have to be open to possibilities; try something new. Doing something new now only bombards and ignites the senses, but opens your eyes to new possibilities. This is when something new–a fresh insight, sparking a good memory from your past, meeting a new person–may happen to you,

But a person needs time to reflect. This is one way to beat dating fatigue.

Try it. You should be better off.


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Divorced, Widowed or Never Married? Who’s the Best Choice?

Everyone has some history and when you go out with someone, they bring that history along with them.

That’s inevitable, but as a dater you have a few choices.

A main part of this is how they got to be in front of you on that first date in the first place.

Were they widowed, divorced or never married?  (For some intrepid daters, that person may still even be married, but that is a topic for  another post.)

And based on their past history, how should that affect your attitude towards them? Even more important, how would they act in any new relationship based on their past experience?

These are all big, important questions, but here are a few things to consider:

  • Divorced people have almost all gone through an emotional rollercoaster. But in many of those situations, there was often a victim and a perpetrator. The question for any new dater is which half of that partnership, and to what degree, is standing in front of you now?
  • For people who were never married, the main question is why?  Bad luck, too picky, attention deficit order, a perpetual playboy or playgirl, or someone who is just holding out for that “perfect partner”?
  • Widows and widowers, depending on how many years they were married and how many times they were married, can often show partner dedication, loyalty and an ability to adapt to the situational roller-coaster that is inherent in any relationship.

From my experience, I have met them all, including women who have been divorced three times.  Others made out very well financially and were divorced a few times. Did this make them more emotionally unstable? Not necessarily, but they had seen a lot, in many cases more than I did emotionally.

So who is the best choice?  It is all based on individual preferences, luck and availability. If there is anything true in dating is that there are few absolute rules. There is someone for everyone, but everyone also has suffered an emotional roller-coaster in any relationship. It is an adventure. But it all makes for interesting , often expensive, experiences.

For more stories on the trials and tribulations of online dating,

see the book “You Don’t Think I’m Beautiful.



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